Beholder and Holder

In this personal family story, rooted in conveying Allah’s message and witnessing His infinite wisdom, has also opened the door to discussing a topic that is often kept locked behind stigma: sex. It’s a topic society only seems to bring up when there’s someone to blame, an active scandal to dissect, or gossip that keeps the taboo alive—reinforcing shame and suppression. Yet in reality, Allah has made this private act one of the most natural and sacred parts of life. It is the worldly source of life itself, where He joins male and female not only to procreate, but to learn love, compassion, and understanding at the deepest level. Allah describes this bond in the Quran as a source of comfort and peace, using the word “tranquility.” It isn’t just about the intimate act itself, but about preserving intimacy with respect and love—keeping the bond alive and sacred.

While we all know there’s more to marriage and relationships than physical intimacy, sex remains at the center of the marital bond because it nurtures that sacred core of love. Yet as society has evolved, this core has been neglected, its sacredness forgotten by many. This decline is a shared result of choices made by both men and women over time.

The challenges are clear: men face the constant test of a higher sex drive, while women navigate the complexity of their emotional nature. Mixed with daily stress, ego, and the need to be “right” on both sides, this becomes a recipe for conflict, disconnection, and eventually, betrayal of the very purpose of marriage—to love, protect, and please each other sincerely.

Fast forward to today, and parts of society have lost patience, slipping into autopilot when it comes to love. But Allah tells us He created Adam and, from him, Eve—from his rib. This isn’t a statement of inferiority, but a profound lesson: that women are created to be dependently strong, relying on the curved rib’s form. The curve itself reflects that women are independently dependent—a balance that men must understand as a trust from Allah to care for and honor women.

Some might dismiss this as outdated, but Muslims believe men are entrusted to lead the home, to anchor the family, regardless of whether both spouses work. When men fail in this duty—whether by giving in to desire or neglecting spiritual responsibility—they risk “breaking the rib,” damaging what they were meant to protect. 

At the same time, women’s impatience isn’t always visible through words, but through actions: gossip, a desire for validation, materialism, impulsive decisions, or manipulating their husbands in unnecessary ways. These behaviors chip away at trust, making vulnerable men withdraw or even betray their vows—often to escape what feels like constant testing. But deceit and betrayal aren’t new—they’ve existed for as long as humans have struggled with desire and ego. The real danger lies in normalizing these betrayals under the assumption that as long as no one knows, there’s no harm. Yet for those who are God-conscious, the reality is different.

It’s important for women to truly honor the concept and responsibility of being the curved rib—a creation that is strong yet naturally curved, balanced between dependence and independence. This balance isn’t a weakness; it is a unique design Allah has given us to protect, nurture, and strengthen the family bond.

In this, we should be careful not to let our vulnerability or emotions become tools to wield control over our husbands. While women feel deeply and instinctively read between the lines, this gift shouldn’t be used to burden or test men unnecessarily. Instead, it sometimes means stepping up to help carry the load—even if that load seems “masculine” or beyond what we might normally do. Trust that when it is done sincerely, your husband will not leave you hanging; rather, he will feel supported, respected, and loved.

It is also vital for women to honor their children by never letting personal issues with their father spill over into how they act around their children—or worse, turning the children against their father. Doing so plants seeds of disrespect and dishonor that can shape how the children perceive love, trust, and family. Children deserve to see the best of both parents, even in times of conflict, so they can grow up grounded in respect rather than shaped by resentment.

Leaving behind the realm of gossip is another crucial step. Gossip often appears harmless, but it subtly poisons the heart and keeps us busy judging others rather than reflecting inward. By stepping away from it, we open our hearts to Allah’s added light of understanding, bringing barakeh (blessing) into our marriages, daily lives, and connections.

When our souls are constantly charged with judgment over other people’s lives, we pay for it in ways we might not see—through reflections of Allah’s wisdom in our tests and the outcomes of our choices, tied to the knowledge we carry and especially the knowledge we choose to ignore. Recognizing this helps us live with greater sincerity and humility, staying mindful of our sacred roles: to protect what Allah entrusted us with, to honor His design, and to nurture love that is sincere, peaceful, and free of hidden debts.

38:34

And, indeed We did try Sulaiman (Solomon) and We placed on his throne Jasad (a body), and he did return (to Us in repentance).
38:35

He said: "My Lord! Forgive me, and bestow upon me a kingdom such as shall not belong to any other after me. Verily, You are the Bestower."
38:36

So, We subjected to him the wind; it blew gently by his order whithersoever he willed,
38:37

And also the Shayatin (devils) from the jinn (including) every kind of builder and diver,
38:38

And also others bound in fetters.
38:39

[Saying]: "This is Our gift, so spend you or withhold, no account will be asked of you."
38:40

And verily, he enjoyed a near access to Us, and a good final return (Paradise).

Surah At-Tahrim
In the Name of Allah, the Most Gracious, the Most Merciful

1. O Prophet! Why do you forbid (for yourself) that which Allah has allowed to you, seeking to please your wives? And Allah is Oft-Forgiving, Most Merciful.

2. Allah has already ordained for you (O men) the absolution from your oaths. And Allah is your Maula (Lord, or Master) and He is the All-Knower, the All-Wise.

3. And (remember) when the Prophet (ﷺ) disclosed a matter in confidence to one of his wives, then she told it (to another woman), and Allah made it known to him; he informed part thereof and left a part. Then when he told her (Hafsa) thereof, she said: "Who told you this?" He said: "The All-Knower, the All-Aware (Allah) has told me."

4. If you two (wives of the Prophet ﷺ, namely ‘Aishah and Hafsa) turn in repentance to Allah, (it will be better for you), your hearts are indeed so inclined (to oppose what the Prophet ﷺ likes); but if you help one another against him (Muhammad ﷺ), then verily, Allah is his Maula (Lord, or Protector), and Jibreel (Gabriel), and the righteous among the believers; and furthermore, the angels are his helpers.

5. It may be if he divorced you (all) that his Lord will give him instead of you, wives better than you - Muslims (who submit to Allah), believers, obedient (to Allah), turning to Allah in repentance, worshipping Allah sincerely, fasting or emigrants (for Allah's sake), previously married and virgins.

6. O you who believe! Ward off yourselves and your families against a Fire (Hell) whose fuel is men and stones, over which are (appointed) angels stern (and) severe, who disobey not, (from executing) the Commands they receive from Allah, but do that which they are commanded.

7. (It will be said in the Hereafter): "O you who disbelieve! Make no excuses this Day! You are being requited only for what you used to do."

8. O you who believe! Turn to Allah with sincere repentance! It may be that your Lord will expiate from you your sins, and admit you into Gardens under which rivers flow, on the Day when Allah will not disgrace the Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ) and those who believe with him. Their light will run forward before them and (with their Records — Books of deeds) in their right hands they will say: "Our Lord! Keep perfect our light for us and grant us forgiveness. Verily, You are Able to do all things."

9. O Prophet (Muhammad ﷺ)! Strive hard against the disbelievers and the hypocrites, and be harsh against them; their abode is Hell, and worst indeed is that destination.

10. Allah sets forth an example for those who disbelieve: the wife of Nuh (Noah) and the wife of Lut (Lot). They were under two of Our righteous slaves, but they both betrayed them (by rejecting their husbands' teachings); so they [Nuh (Noah) and Lut (Lot)] availed them (their respective wives) not against Allah and it was said: "Enter the Fire along with those who enter!"

11. And Allah has set forth an example for those who believe: the wife of Fir‘aun (Pharaoh), when she said: "My Lord! Build for me a home with You in Paradise, and save me from Fir‘aun (Pharaoh) and his work, and save me from the people who are Zalimun (polytheists, wrongdoers and disbelievers in Allah)."

12. And Maryam (Mary), the daughter of 'Imran who guarded her chastity; and We breathed into (the sleeve of her shirt or her garment) through Our Ruh [i.e., Jibreel (Gabriel)], and she testified to the truth of the Words of her Lord, and (also believed in) His Scriptures, and she was of the Qanitin (i.e., obedient to Allah).